Thanks or No Thanks?

It’s been a little while now, and I’m still not sure exactly what to make of it. I have to think it’s a good thing, that’s what I keep telling myself. You’ve always been there, in the back of my head mostly, just coming to the forefront to drive me crazy it seems. Never knowing what you wanted, never knowing what to do, I just let time pass time. We hung out, it was good to get together. You said more than a few things that caught me off guard and I finally realized, even though we were never as close as I wanted, we’d grown apart. Not the “I haven’t seen you in a while, you’ve experienced a lot without me” grown apart, but the type where we are both different people than we once were. After going our separate ways, I realized after some drinking that night, I no longer desired you the way I thought I had. Interesting as it may seem (to me at least), I felt the weight on my shoulders lift. Simultaneously, I went to my cynical roots and asked myself what that meant. Have I been fooling myself this entire time? All I can say is I’ve moved on since whenever it was sometime this past summer. This is the last time you will be taking up more than a few minutes of my thoughts. Maybe we’ll hang out in the future, maybe we won’t, I’m not bothered by it either way. Since this unrealization, I suppose you would call it, I’ve been unsure what to think. In such a strange way you closely resemble another. Both similar and dissimilar to me in the wrong ways. You both are very different … one shy and quiet, one outgoing and confident. One easy going, one picky. One of you I’ve spent many nights with, we’ve been physically close with each other more than anyone else, while the other I’ve only imaged. One has rarely been outside the Philadelphia area, while the other has traveled all over. What brought me so close (one physically, the other mentally) to you two? Was I looking for a complete mix of the two of you? Both in my life for similar period, both leaving (for what it seems) my life in the past 6 months or so. All I wonder is what is in store next …

I realize it may be strange to write toward the “second person” (you) but it feel a lot more comfortable. Almost as if it were an actual conversion with the intended reader(s). This is a release for me and I think that is the best way to let it out.